Allison's Wonderland

Allison's Wonderland

Friday, January 27, 2017

Questions That Linger...Was it My Fault?

This blog post has been floating around in my mind for quite awhile now. Then as I was cleaning today and had a little time to think, God just revealed some things to me that made it all come together.

So I have shared with you Samuel's story. If you have yet to read it, you can do so here and here. (There are more than those 2 posts but I trust you can work your way around the blog ;)) Now I want to take you back a little and share some more of my personal story.

Bear with  me as I am not a professional writer by any stretch.

In the summer of 1997 my family moved from Mississippi to Florida. It was my sophomore year of high school. That December I had my 1st grand mal seizure. I was diagnosed with epilepsy and began treatment with medication. As a 15 year old girl just starting a new school, you can imagine this wasn't an easy time. The medication that I was prescribed had side effects that did not make high school easy. I was tired All. The. Time. I couldn't remember things that I once could. I had a hard time focusing.

Before life with epilepsy I took great pride in academics and being intelligent. I loved competing with my classmates for the highest grade. I liked to know all the things. And I did continue to love those things throughout high school and even college. But early on after being diagnosed with epilepsy, I felt almost like God was attacking my brain, the one thing that I loved most about myself.

During this time I began to cling to the verses 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

My 16 and 17 year old self would fall asleep many nights praying that God would change my heart's  desire to His wisdom rather than man's knowledge.

Fast forward to 2014. Married with 3 kids and the family has just moved to Texas. We will soon find out that we are expecting a 4th baby. One detail that I left out in initially telling Samuel's story is about a neurologist that I visited in October. Before I was pregnant.

I knew that I needed to get established with a neurologist once we moved to Texas, so I went to visit the one to whom I was referred. I don't even remember his name. The only conversation I remember is the one about if I wanted more kids. He asked. I said "possibly." Then he told me he would not allow me to continue on my current medication if I were going to try to have another baby. He questioned my previous doctor's methods (who is a specialized epileptologist and respected greatly in his field) and told me that I was LUCKY with my other 3 children. I did not go back.

And then we have Samuel.

So I sit with my questions. Should I have listened to that doctor who told me I should change medications? I could have done my own research and found out for myself. Topamax causes an increased risk for cleft lip/palate. So was it my fault?
I have come to this conclusion, God knew. He knew that I would have epilepsy when He formed me in my mother's womb. He knew that Samuel would have a cleft lip and palate when he formed him in my own womb. He knew that I would not listen to that doctor. But He was working in bigger ways. Still teaching me that He is the only one who knows all the things.

I may be the only one who is excited about what God has shown me throughout this (and my mom and the other 2 people reading), but I think it is amazing that God uses something in me from almost 20 years ago to continue teaching me.

17 years ago...
And now....
 God is good.